Spring/summer edition
For some of us history buffs, we must research and daydream in solitude while many of our friends and family have not yet been awakened to the thrill and intrigue of Tudor history. Despair no more! Here is a list of some easy, super casual ways to scratch that history fact-sharing itch with non-history type folks. I may have made this a little too niche, so please see the embedded links for more info as needed (no affiliation is implied). Also, as usual, this article is just a bit of fun. Please proceed with a smile and do not follow this advice. Happy reading!
- Ogling the dessert case while in line for coffee.
Them: Yum! What are you going to order?
You: Well I was looking for Maids of Honour Tarts but I don’t see any. You know who liked those? Henry VIII…
(Continue down this path* until your turn to order then pick it back up while seated.)
*Don’t forget to include a silly joke about how Henry also enjoyed ‘maids without honour tarts’.
. - Picking strawberries.
You: I hope we don’t attract the ghost of Cardinal Thomas Wolsey! [Laugh enough to draw attention]
Them: [Taking the bait] What?
You: Well, we* know the combination of strawberries and cream is commonly said to have originated with Wolsey’s cook. That reminds me, have I told you about Wolsey’s fall from power? No? Well you see…
*Always use the royal ‘we’ while explaining historical facts as it makes you seem more knowledgeable.
.
- Walking outside on a windy day.
Them: It sure is windy out!
You: (Pulls a hood on) Thank goodness for jacket hoods! Speaking of hoods, did you know there was a French hood and a Gable-styled English hood at the Tudor court? Let me explain in vivid detail while comparing and contrasting…
.
- Summer drive.
[Opening the car door to be greeted with stifling heat].
Them: Geez, it’s like an oven in here!
You: At least we’re not on a pyre or being boiled alive!
Them: [Confused expression]
You: You haven’t heard of Tudor execution laws before? Anne Askew? Richard Roose? Let me tell you some tales that will make you more than car sick…
.
- Watching a fireworks display.
[Loud whizzing and popping sounds with crowds of people staring up amongst a sea of lawn chairs].
You: I wonder who the Fire Master is!
Them: Who? What?
You: Oh just a little joke, you know because Elizabeth I loved fireworks so much she appointed herself a Fire Master! You do know, right? No? Let me tell you a tale of Robert Dudley… *
*They may pretend they can’t hear you over the fireworks. Take no notice and keep on fact sharing.
.
- Walking by any large body of water (a sprinkler may do in a pinch).
You: Nowadays if you want to build yourself a large paper boat to sail around in, you’d have so many people taking videos!
Them: [Taking the bait] Paper boat?
You: You’ve never heard of John Taylor aka The Water Poet? Now that I’ve wet your appetite, you’re in for a whale of a good time…
.
- Backyard BBQ party.
[Looking meaningfully at the grill].
Them: [Grilling] What?
You: I appreciate you.
Them: What?
You: It’s just that I don’t know if Tudor spit turners were ever given proper thanks and it makes me sad.
Them: What? What’s a spit turner?
You: I’m so glad you asked…
.
- Gardening.
You: Do you have any roses?
Them: Yup.
You: Red ones?
Them: Yes, right over there.
You: Lovely. White ones?
Them: No, but there are some pink ones.
You: [Slightly disgusted tone] There’s no pink in a Tudor rose.
Them: What?
You: [Eye roll and dramatic sigh] Let me explain…let’s start with the War of the Roses, shall we?
.
- Picnic time!
[Unpacking cheese and bread]
You: How quaint! ’Tis but a worker’s lunch.
Them: What’s that now?
You: [Ridiculous trill of a giggle] Oh never mind my jest! Is there any venison on the menu?
Them: Umm no. You: ’Tis fair I suppose. We are not royalty and own not a deer park, am I riiiight? [More off-putting laughter].
Them: [Blank stare*]
You: Worry not, friend. I shall tell you about how different tiers of Tudor society ate as we dine.
Them: [Blank stare*]
*Never mind a blank stare. It is often a display of overwhelm for someone who cannot express the thrill of all the knowledge coming their way.
.
- Passing people doing home renovations.
You: What a terrible sound!
Them: It is loud.
You: All that hammering! [Shudder] How can I not feel sick?
Them: Sick?
You: Yes, it reminds me of Tudor prisoners listening to their own scaffolds being built.
Them: Their own scaffolds?
You: Their. Own. Scaffolds. [Nods aggressively] Since you seem interested, let me give you a quick breakdown of some top-tier prisoners who were executed during the reign of Henry VIII…
So there you have it! These are pretty air-tight ways to steer a conversation toward Tudor history.*
*Side effects may include people slowly inching away from you, people feigning they are running late, and in extreme cases a loss of friends. In rare and exceptionally pleasing cases, you may meet a kindred spirit. As usual, I don’t recommend doing or saying any of these.
Published June 2, 2024.