30 bad Tudor pick up lines…

…to make any maid, matron, or vixen roll her eyes, grimace, and gag.

This one is not for younger audiences or the easily offended. Everyone else, please enjoy!

If any of the following bad pick up lines make you squirm, as well as laugh, well, that’s exactly how I felt writing them. Please be grateful there is no historical evidence that any of these terrible Tudor pick up lines were ever used. [Phew!] Though, I do think there is a possibility the last one may have been uttered by King Henry VIII at some point…

1. You caught my eye like peacock pye.
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2. Your gong farmer paid me a visit. He said you’re so sweet your waste smells like roses.
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3. Call me a nit because I’m stuck on you.
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4. You must be inflicted with sweating sickness because everyone swoons when you happen past.
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5. [Henry VIII] I fed my chickens promises to have a son and they all died. I want you to live.
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6. Hampton Court Palace’s eavesdroppers see everything and they told me you’re the prettiest lady at court.
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7. Are you an executioner? Because I lost my head when I saw you come in.
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8. Stay out of the rain! You’re as sweet as marchpane and I fear you will melt.
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9. [Henry VIII to Kathryn Parr] Your name is Katherine, eh? They say the third time’s the charm so you must be about to get lucky.
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10. [Charles Brandon] How do you spell ward? Is it H-O-T? Because that’s how I spell it when I see you.
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11. Do the sun and moon know about you? Because you light up my life and keep me awake all night.
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12. The Mad Maid of Kent happened past. She predicted you’d marry me. [Wink.]
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13. I thought only of you when I killed this bird for your evening meal. May I sit with you while you pluck, gut, season, and slow cook it on a spit for several hours?
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14. If you spin wool as fine as your eyes, we’ll all be dressed as royalty.
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15. A haystack may have crushed your friend to death, but you’re the only angel I see.
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16. You must be flint because when your beauty struck my hard heart, sparks flew.
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17. Are you sure you’re not a spit-turner in the King’s kitchen? You always look so hot.
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18. The rolling tides of the Thames cannot compare to the rolling curves of your duckies.
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19. I think I should stuff you in a jar and sell you with my honey. You’re simply too sweet.
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20. A gown so beautiful should not be wore by one so handsome. You’re sure to make Aphrodite weep with jealousy.
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21. There you are. You’re as slippery as an eel but I’ve finally caught you. I hope you won’t bite.
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22. The bard sings about ancient glory, but your smile sings directly to my heart.
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23. I crafted this memento mori ring to resemble your beautiful skull because I will love you long after you’re no longer attractive… or alive.
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24. You’ve inspired me to become a blacksmith. When you’re around, all I want to do is bang.
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25. My codpiece thinks you’re cute. And he never exaggerates.
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26. I wish you were a flea. Fleas always find a way into my bed.
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27. You must be a heretic because you’re on fire.
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28. I’d forgo heckling at a drawn out, gory execution for only a brief moment of your company.
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29. I had to order custom armour to protect my heart from your temptations.
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30. [Henry VIII] It is treason to refuse me.

 

There you have it. I hope you are not inspired to use any of these off-putting Tudor pick up lines, even if the Renaissance Fair gets a little wild.

 

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Published on May 27, 2025.