If you love all things Tudor history, then you’re likely no stranger to taking up a torch for things non-history folk don’t understand. Is it worth getting into a heated debate about the identity of a sitter in a nearly 500 year old painting? Can you go from zero to 100 hundred when someone confuses Mary Tudor with Mary Stuart? Is it impossible for you to silently watch a historical movie when it’s filled with inaccuracies? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then the following list may be to your liking.
- Markings on the wall. When the stressors of the season get you down, you can always get lower on purpose. Hide in a lesser used corner, slump to the floor and in the quiet, draw on the wall. Use something erasable if you must, but use this odd tactic as a stress relief from the hectic holiday chaos. Before you raise your eyebrow, recall the graffiti adorning the walls within the Tower of London left by prisoners. It must have been excellent stress relief! Remember that after many years have passed, vandalism often converts from scandalous rubbish to precious treasure, so take no note of anyone who prefers “clean” walls. They aren’t understanding the big picture and will only add to your stress.
. - A tree for two. Not everyone from history is likeable and often lines are drawn between competing sides. Why not bring a touch of Machiavellian nature to your Christmas tree while embracing the Internet meme “front of the tree, back of the tree.” Hang your Tudor ornaments accordingly this year. Favourites on the front and “meanies” like Henry VIII can go on the back. You can even decorate with favourite portraits in the front and those odd ones everyone secretly giggles at, on the back. You might invest in a lazy Susan if you wish to increase the feeling of a power struggle. This easy tactic will help distract you from any real family arguments that are happening around you and lessen your guilt when you can’t be bothered to intervene.
. - Work around it. So the lights on your Christmas tree died after the ornaments were carefully selected and hung. The peacock ornament’s head fell off and you’re out of glue. And someone ate all the cashews from the nut mix leaving you high and dry with peanuts and too crunchy almonds. If it feels overwhelming, it’s because it is. But it doesn’t have to be. Take a page from the Tudor code of conduct and work around it. Perfectionism seems like a modern invention and our friends from the past knew all too well that poop happens, just ask a gong farmer. So much like an unpleasant turd blocking your way on an otherwise beautiful cobblestone path, walk around it. Never step in it and make your life worse. Christmas throws curve balls to taunt the perfectionist within, but do not let it fool you. Christmas comes whether or not there are cashews or headless peacocks and if you work around the mishaps and not slop them around, you’re sure to experience the true (non-commercial) magic of the season.
. - Walk the walk. Busy shopping malls? Aggressive cyclists? Honking motorists? Forget them all for you are Tudor royalty (or at least you shall pretend to be). You strut along with power! Never mind the bustling peasants, you rule the day. Take a strong stance, think Henry VIII in a larger than life-size portrait, and your to-do list doesn’t stand a chance. Henry invited no challengers, and neither will you. You’ll be in and out of those stores getting only what is on your list, so confident and quick, there is no need to check it twice. You will have Christmas errands done in a flash. Well done you!
. - Never back down. Please allow a twist on an older and rather vulgar phrase to make a point. Anne Boleyn and Jane Seymour knew that if they “gave the milk away for free” Henry
was too cheap to buy the cowwouldn’t likely marry them even if their dowries didn’t suckle. These ladies continued to say no thank you and didn’t back down until they were satisfied. “So what’s that got to do with Christmas?” you might ask. Well, if you refuse to accept unwanted invitations, watch hours of movies you’re not keen on, and eat potluck foods made with mystery hands, then you’re on your way to a Christmas that checks all your boxes in the right way. A self-care extravaganza! Plus, you can buy your own milk and concoct a cocktail and eat roast beef for Christmas dinner, if it pleases you. If you ruffle some feathers along the way, plead eccentricity and wink. You can always put an extra candy cane on their Christmas card if they are feeling bitter.
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So there you have it, folks. Surviving Enjoying the holiday season with a few hot tips from your Tudor friends was never so easy.* They’re sure to be proud of you, unless of course they find you odd and unusual. There is a fine line between quirky and being a full on wackadoodle, which pleases me immensely to know is technically a real word. I suppose I must be eccentric. Happy holidays! [Fastens a hat made of tin foil Christmas trees.] I bid you, adieu!
*All of the above suggestions are purely for parody fun and not intended as actual suggestions [insert obvious eye roll] .
Published December 9, 2024.