In ’Twas the Night Before Tudor Christmas I share many ideas on how to bring a touch of Tudor to a modern Christmas for the enjoyment of all guests, not only history buffs. Playing the role of the Lord of Misrule, I have turned that idea on its head. Let me present you with 10 historical ways to ruin a modern Christmas. Please note these are not limited to the Tudor era (though they dominate) and I highly recommend never actually doing any of these. For those who like things made obvious— this is a comedic read only.
- Bye bye gingerbread, hello sticky breadcrumbs. Toss out any delicious gingerbread cookies* and cakes and replace them with old-fashioned gingerbread. No, not your grandma’s gingerbread recipe. Older than that—the medieval kind made by mixing breadcrumbs with honey and spices (cinnamon, saffron, and pepper, hold the ginger). Sure, some history aficionados might celebrate this dish, but many will be craving modern gingerbread— you know, the one made with ginger and not a lifetime supply of honey.
*Do your best to ignore the gingerbread people frowning at you from the compost.
. - Not a moment too soon! Enjoying a festive party before Christmas Eve? Tsk tsk! Remove those decorations! They only go up on Christmas Eve and not a moment sooner. And if you want a Christmas tree, you’d better be thinking of hosting a Victorian-themed Christmas as the Tudor’s were still only chopping down trees for firewood and to build things. Feel free to garland the heck out of your home though come December 24.
. - Fast not feast! Planning a celebration before Christmas Day? Attending a holiday work party? Remember remember it’s fasting December. Yes, there are lots of yummy vegan foods and you’d better sort them out quickly as meat and dairy are off the Tudor menu. Fish is still cool beans (also allowed) and I hear eels were abundant. (Bonus points to everyone who also thinks of The Princess Bride whenever eels are mentioned.)
. - Here’s looking at you…Here’s a dinner party tale to set the stage for what your guests are to expect. Tell everyone you’ve roasted a delicious peacock (or swan— host’s choice!) for dinner and stuffed it back into its raw skin to stare at them as they eat. Wow. Look at how everyone’s mouth drops open—they must be really hungry and keen to nom nom nom. Best to keep some anti-nausea pills at the ready.
. - Party time! Who’s that lurking in the corner? It’s great uncle Barney (twice removed) ready for some games. He’s normally the life of the party, until he goes too far and everyone falls silent or leaves. You’ve assigned him the role of the Lord of Misrule and he just can’t wait to turn the tables and let chaos reign. Cousin Sue is already locking herself in the bathroom…
. - Who’s up for a game? No, no, no. Not a video game or something tame from the board games’s shelf— you’ve decided on Snapdragon. You know— toss some raisins (that no one wants to eat anyhow), into a bowl of brandy, and set it all on fire. Who will pick up and eat the most?! What could possibly go wrong?*
*A lot. A lot could go wrong which is why I feel I need to remind you this article is all for a laugh.
. - No-po-tate-toes for you. Having a Tudor-themed Christmas party? Lose the potatoes. Not boiled, mashed, or put into a stew. Potatoes were not trending in England as of the early 16th century. Try to enjoy a very merry spud-free Christmas. Wah waaaaaah.
. - Put a bird on it. A dead bird that is — on all your Christmas cards. What a talking point for family and friends when they open a holiday card and see a dead bird on the front. “It’s very posh,” you’ll say, then roll your eyes knowing no one understands your edgy Victorian charm.
. - Dilly of a pickle. Have you heard the story of the pickle in the Christmas tree? I have. I’ve heard several origin stories for it. There are glass pickle ornaments that can be purchased and hung/hidden on a Christmas tree and guests enjoy looking for it. That’s too mainstream though. Auntie Helen asked everyone to bring a holiday dish, though I don’t think she expected the twist of dill pickle shortbread and hide the pickle in the turkey.
. - Let darkness reign. Enjoying the gentle twinkling of lights while watching your favourite Christmas shows? Well, put a stop to that! Forget that new-fangled electricity and embrace telling ghost stories in the dark. Oh hey, wait a minute there. That one actually sounds pretty good. Ding ding ding. We have a winner.
So there you have it. There’s 10 9 historical ways to ruin a modern Christmas. Don’t do it.
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Published December 12, 2023.